the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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