Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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