I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.