just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
