): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.