i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Pants are for mortals
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize