apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
