Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
