Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
