Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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