I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
