me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
