My hand turned me down
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
