does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
