i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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