thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
