Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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