I am spending my child support on dildos
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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