your thong is hanging out like whoa
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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