He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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