he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
