I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
