I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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