Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
