brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
