OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
