My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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