I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
