i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
