she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
