I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
