I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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