All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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