How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
