How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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