Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want to stick my p in your. b.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
