So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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