It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
