I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
