I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
