I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
