Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
