i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
