Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
