i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
