I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
