in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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