I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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