I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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