Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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