shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
