You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
