dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
