Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
how drunk are you?
Several
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
