it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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