Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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