I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
