I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
