just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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