lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want a musical about memes.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
