Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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